Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Let us be honest up front: today's post is all about venting and complaining. Not about the news, which is about as screwed up as usual, but rather some more personal issues. Like...
• ACUTE DIVERTICULITIS
The verdict is in about our abdominal pain. It's an attack of acute diverticulitis which will take some time to resolve. The good news is that, not so long ago, the standard treatment for diverticulitis was to slice you open and start pulling out organs.
Now, we can be treated with antibiotics - but there's a catch: one of the antibiotics needs to be taken with food so it won't burn a hole through your stomach the way the Alien's molecular-acid blood burned through deck plates. BUT...the doctor has ordered "no food" for up to two weeks - just clear liquids.
This wouldn't necessarily be unlivable were it not for the fact that a second antibiotic will give you violent projectile vomiting if you have so much as a sip of alcohol. So this is going to be a long friggin' two weeks.
• INSURANCE SUCKS, PART ONE
Remember that hail storm we mentioned last week? We've already had one roofer inspect the damage and say (surprise!) we need a new roof. But here's the rub: we last replaced our roof in 2003, and we got the best (and most expensive) materials available. For that reason, our sturdy roof has survived when all of our thriftier neighbors have gotten new roofs over the years - some multiple times - from their homeowners insurance.
But OUR insurance had a little surprise for us: "If your roof is older than 10 years, we triple your deductible." In this case, to around $9,000. So will the insurance pay anything above that? Maybe yes, maybe no - because besides sticking us with that insane deductible, they also plan to depreciate the roof because of it's age. So the likelihood is that the insurance we religiously pay for won't cover doodly squat. Hell, we may owe them money just for making their phone ring.
• INSURANCE SUCKS, PART TWO
As if we weren't already in a rotten mood (and we are!), we got a letter today in which Medicare essentially told us to attempt conjugal relations with a rolling donut regarding a recent bill.
We won't get into medical details, but this involves an expensive test (as in multiple thousands of dollars) which was pretty damn important. But Medicare has decided the test was neither necessary or reasonable and won't pay a dime. "But don't worry," they assure us, "since the fault belongs with your doctor who ordered this unreasonable, unnecessary test, we'll force them to pay the whole bill."
Let's think this through: a doctor (an excellent doctor with a prestigious practice) is essentially going to be penalized for ordering a very important and entirely necessary test. So what do you think will happen the next time the doctor thinks someone needs that test? Right - the test won't be ordered and the patient will suffer the potentially catastrophic consequences.
It's a win-win-win for the government: they don't pay off on the Medicare promises they've made, they discourage doctors from even ordering tests and, in the long run, more people die early and won't be collecting their government benefits. Genius!
• THEY GO IN THREES
In the past few days we lost Art Bell, the master of creepy conspiracy late night radio, R. Lee Ermey, who burned his way into our national consciousness with his role of "The Gunny" in the film "Full Metal Jacket" and, closest to our heart, actor/magician/con-man Harry Anderson.
In that same period of time, we're unaware of any complete a**holes dying. So what's the deal, Death?!
We could continue ranting about these and other matters, but it's time for us to eat our delicious sugar-free jello and take that stomach-destroying pill.
(Update: After writing the above, we learned of the passing of former first lady Barbara Bush. Her strength and classiness will be missed.)
Monday, April 16, 2018
We're kicking off with a Johnny Optimism cartoon in order to fulfill our journalistic obligation to not just bring you information, but also bring you too much information.
Specifically, in this case, that we're currently experiencing a flare-up of either irritable bowel syndrome, diverticulitis, or a Russian nerve agent which was secretly added to our bathroom tissue.
It's not a big deal, except for our Tourette's-style outbursts when we engage in strenuous activities like moving slightly or breathing - at which point a knife-like pain jabs us in the abdomen.
It's silly, embarrassing, and probably not fatal...but frankly we're just a little too sore to do much creative work today. Not to mention that we're self-medicating with a microwaveable heating pad which we alternate with cold therapy. Hey, Clan MacGregor on ice is cold!
So in lieu of talking about missiles hitting Syria, or Comey being a complete weasel, we will instead use today's space to describe how you can give the finger to Mark Zuckerberg's data-mining operation (sometimes called "Facebook")!
Below you'll find a relatively simple set of instructions (which we found, ironically, on Facebook) which won't exactly make you anonymous, but WILL nicely foul up the carefully constructed version of "you" which Zuck is selling to advertisers. The process takes 5-10 minutes and is repetitive but not hard. And if you're a regular Facebook user, you should probably take a minute each week to repeat the process (it will be quicker after you've laid this groundwork).
You see, we don't have to actually leave Facebook to send a message to them - we just need to cut into their advertising revenues to show our displeasure as conservatives with being treated as second class citizens (at best) or hate-mongers (at worst) on this least social of social media.
And so, after re-microwaving our heating pad and refilling our scotch glass, we now return to our tooth-gritting pain, which is already in progress.
Friday, April 13, 2018
Disgraced former FBI director and serial-leaker James Comey is about to have his face plastered all over our nation's television screens as he kicks off a tour to pimp...uh, promote...his new tell-all book, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies and Leadership."
The book will be filled with the insights of a man who couldn't find dirt on Hillary. Just let that sink in for a moment and be filled with a sense of awe regarding the sheer size of this man's ineptitude. Although we may be doing him a disservice - we don't actually doubt his ability to detect criminal activity, we just don't like it when he ignores such (in Hillary's case) or invents such (in Trump's case).
Comey has already recorded a lengthy interview with longtime Clinton shill George Stephanopoulos in which he allegedly compared the President to a "mob boss." Which either means that Comey's book will contain evidence of Trump's drug dealing, contract murders, and profligate distribution of severed horse heads, or that Comey is simply flinging whatever insults he thinks will sell books to the rubes in Progressive-land.
The mainstream media is looking to Comey's literary cash-grab to be approximately the 544th thing that will "finally bring down Donald Trump." We disagree. The greater likelihood is that while making the rounds of lectures, interviews, and book-signings Comey will get himself into serious trouble by making statements which conflict with his previous testimony about his own wrongdoings.
After which he can eventually release a new book: "A Higher Bunk: Memories of Prison Life."
FROM THE VAULT (6/9/17)
|Comey's mind is like a steel trap; everything that goes in gets mangled.|
Just a reminder from our good friend Johnny Optimism that you might as well go ahead and live your life as usual today; bad luck can strike wherever you are.
But that being said, we'd advise against doing anything risky to actually tempt fate. For instance, this would be a very bad day to mail your tax returns. You've been warned.