Friday, November 17, 2017

Congressional Franken Privilege

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"Your honor, I'd like to present exhibits A and B!"
The roulette wheel of celebrity hanky-panky has clattered to a stop again, and this time the silver ball has landed on Senator Al Franken, who is accused of asking a woman to kiss while rehearsing a comedy skit, but then sticking his tongue down her throat without having received written permission to do so.

Later, while she was sleeping on an Air Force transport plane, a picture of Franken was snapped in which he appeared to be gleefully groping her breasts - or at least, as close as you can get to groping someone who is wearing a heavy flak jacket.

So, did Al act like a jerk with sophomoric humor? Clearly. Did he violate his victim to the extent that he should be thrown out of the Senate? No - although there are plenty of GOOD reasons to toss him into the street.

We're tired of this played-out round of celebrity "gotcha" which is (quite deliberately) distracting from real news. When the crimes are real and substantiated, there should absolutely be appropriate punishment. But until assholery itself becomes a crime, it's time for the media to let go of their current obsession with this particular genre of shiny object.

That being said, as long as we've already done the Photoshop work on Al, we thought we'd have some more fun. See, we like sophomoric humor too!


BONUS: REMODEL CITIZENS

A few folks have asked about the current state of our remodeling, and Friday seems as good a time as any for an update. Mostly because we can then drink all we want without worrying about messing up a work day.

Here is our splendid, all new Kitchen...


We cleverly went with an all white and brushed stainless steel look so, in the eventuality that we're murdered in our sleep, the police will find scads of fingerprints in here. Seriously, this is all quite pretty and we're already sorta kinda using some of the baffling new appliances in extremely cautious ways.

Follow us now to our elegant Living Room...


Notice the exquisite (and expensive) wood-look porcelain tiles, which now extend through virtually the entire house. Notice, too, that there's almost no real furniture in there because we gave most of it away. And that odd little rug is actually an indoor/outdoor mat which is sitting there for no particular reason other than to make any Islamic guests feel comfortable at prayer time.

Meanwhile, we're more than ready to entertain in our sumptuous new Dining Room...


Whether you desire a box lunch or a table for two, we're ready to handle anything - including a pre-wash cycle for your dirty dishes courtesy of Penny, the official dog of Hope n' Change, who has officially regained her full measure of piss and vinegar.

Notice the newly painted walls, and the "living color" which changes before your eyes - depending on the light and time of day - from a warm beige to vanilla ice cream, then to milky cantaloupe with occasional suggestions of actual human skin. The color is technically a neutral, meaning it can't engage in political arguments.

And how about this stunning Breakfast Nook...?


Okay, technically the only one having breakfast in here is Penny, whose bowls perfectly accent that same expensive porcelain wood-look tile. We used to have a table, chairs, and hutch in this spot - but we gave them away to starving orphans before starting the remodeling, because that's just the kind of people we are.

Still, this spot will give us a great view of our well-sculpted (and intimately sized) back yard, as well as panoramic vistas of the famous scenery of North Texas. Which, in other states, they call "clouds."

And after a long day of living in luxury, what could be better than a Cozy Bedroom...


You know what's great for a good night's sleep? Stretching out on expensive porcelain wood-look tiles with an old sofa pillow under your head! Not tired yet? Then enjoy sorting through multiple boxes of Wires from Hell!

Anyway, you get the drift. We've now got walls and floors (and working kitchen and bathrooms) but haven't made much progress on finding new furniture, getting plantation shutters for the windows (those aren't racist, are they?), and squaring away all of the mess that is still sitting around in boxes.

As we've mentioned previously, our process (not to be confused with Mrs J's process) for sorting junk from treasures is less than perfect. Today we went through a box of knick-knacks, geegaws, and oddities and found a small box claiming to contain a pocket sized HD video camera. "Wow," we said to ourselves, "this is hopelessly outdated, we never used it, and could never conceive of a use for it." And then we gave it to Goodwill - right? Wrong! Because first we had to check to see if it worked (it's just wrong to give broken electronics to starving orphans) and secondly we had to check to make sure it didn't contain any videos of our coven dancing naked around a bonfire. BUT...the camera's internal battery was dead, so we had to find a USB port somewhere to plug it in so we could try it later in order to determine whether it was A) Trash, B) the only Christmas present some orphan will get this year, or C) incriminating evidence. And the camera is STILL charging, so we didn't exactly get a motherlode of clutter taken care of today.

We did, however, actually visit a furniture store today and found ourselves simultaneously over-and-underwhelmed. For one thing, we wanted to find a replacement for the kitchen hutch we gave away, and were informed that no one makes kitchen hutch's anymore. Next we'll be told that we're out of luck replacing our pie cooler and the ice box.

So our next big adventure will be joining forces with a design consultant to help us populate our renovated home with eye-catching, functional furniture and bold, trendsetting objet d'art.

We plan to begin with a giant wheel of Jarlsberg cheese on the living room wall.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Allahu Toy Store!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hijab, barbie, islam, san bernardino, terror, olympics, willeford

With the holiday season hurtling toward us, many concerned parents are already wondering "what is the most meaningful toy, in a social justice sense, that I can buy for my young cisgen daughter or transgender son?"

And the answer, of course, is Mattel's exciting new hijab Barbie!

The doll is part of Mattel's "Shero" line, which introduces dolls based on actual women who accomplished newsworthy things in America. Like this gal!

"And my boyfriend is...uh...Ken."
No, no - just kidding. Mattel wouldn't base a doll on the hajib-wearing woman who killed 14 and wounded 22 in San Bernardino. Like many on the Left, they probably just forgot that the little-reported terror attack ever happened!

Which is why the doll is actually modeled on Ibtihaj Muhammad, the first American to wear a hijab and win a medal in the Olympics. Granted, she won it for sword fighting, and the hijab just might have scared the hell out of her opponents...but still, a great victory for our nation and multiculturalism in general!

But as long as Mattel is in the mood to celebrate newsmakers, we'd like to make another suggestion for a great boy's toy! We're thinking of an action figure of Stephen Willeford, the brave NRA instructor who stood his ground and shot the crap out of the maniacal killer who had just exited a small, bloodsoaked Texas church...then chased the fleeing (and bleeding) SOB until, realizing there was no escape, the killer blew his own brains out.

Now there's a toy which could actually inspire some important social lessons and interesting dinner time talk. Not that there are no such lessons attached to hijab Barbie - after all she's demonstrating her American freedom to wear a head covering which declares that, even here, she is still neither free nor equal in the eyes of her faith.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Takes A Licking, Keeps On Ticking

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No dire reason for a lack of a more news-oriented post today, other than that we were juggling too many chainsaws this weekend. Which is apparently also true for the poor wretch in the cartoon above.

Among the distractions: a trip to the vet with Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) to try and track down some malady that had left her lethargic and off her food. It's a sad and scary thing to know that your furry family member has something wrong but can't communicate what it is.

Diagnostic results will come in sometime today, but we're glad to report that Penny's appetite and energy seem to have returned, and only moments ago she felt perky enough to shout feisty canine insults and challenges to an Amazon driver who dared come to our door to deliver a shower curtain. "We'll not be having any of THAT," wurfed Penny.

It's entirely possible that she just had an upset stomach from eating poop. Although that never seems to be a problem for politicians who, we believe, subsist on the stuff.

BONUS: CHEETOS NEVER WIN


Some months ago, Frito-Lay had a contest in which people were supposed to submit pictures of actual Cheeto corn puffs which looked like something. Anything. The best specimen would win some wonderful prize which we can't actually remember, but would probably leave the winner with orange fingertips for a lifetime.

The picture above was Daughter Jarlsberg's entry and, to our eyes, a darned good one. What we have there is the mighty Bigfoot ("Sasquatch" in the language of Native Americans) standing tall, powerful chest puffed, and long arms hanging to his sides while he scans the horizon for predatory documentary makers from the Discovery Channel. Amazing, isn't it?!

The contest is long since over and, since Daughter Jarlsberg is none the richer for the experience, we think it's safe to say that the fix was in. We can't connect all the dots yet, but we're pretty sure the blame should eventually fall on Hillary Clinton.

Friday, November 10, 2017

"You'll Saw Your Head Off...!"

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Hillary: "Imagine if he was using a silencer!"
Christmas came early this year for connoisseurs of hilariously stupid journalistic malfeasance. Specifically when USA Today, an alleged newspaper, sought to educate its readers about the weapon used in the horrific mass-killings in a small Texas church.

That's about as serious a topic as you can get, so you'd think that serious journalism would be something of a goal for USA Today. But how wrong you'd be!

To add to their audience's fear of guns and those who wield them (like the hero NRA instructor who used his own AR-15 to end the carnage), the paper released an infographic video on their Twitter feed described as "a look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting." They then showed the basic gun, then started adding on possible modifications to make in more insanely terrifying, like a bump stock, laser sight, extra large magazine, and...a chainsaw bayonet.

Yep, this is actually what USA Today thinks people should start worrying about
Before you even ask, no - there's no such thing as a commercially available "chainsaw bayonet," although there are a few good old boys on Youtube who've rigged up dummy (literally) models so they can play "hold my beer" while charging, shooting, and eviscerating enemy pumpkins.

But USA Today would have you believe that ignorant, bible-thumping deplorables can just waltz into Walmart and toss a chainsaw bayonet in the cart along with their Pabst Blue Ribbon, turkey jerky, and environmentally-unfriendly disposable diapers.

Diapers which might actually be better used by the gullible USA Today readers who wet themselves when just thinking about this hybrid killing machine...and perhaps also by the USA Today journalists and editors who chose to indulge in infantile gun fantasies rather than bothering to research actual facts.





Wednesday, November 8, 2017

The Music Man


No politics today (yay!) because, unlike most days, I actually had professional work to do and it used up all my time and all my intelligence.  As I'm probably about to prove.

For the past several decades, I've made my living writing for the entertainment industry. Mind you, I'm in Texas and I'm a writer - so I don't have any wild tales of drug fueled parties, sexually defiled potted plants, or rings of pedophiles. I'm not saying that those things couldn't happen in Texas, I'm saying that no one invites writers to parties.

A lot of my writing has been on kid-friendly projects with a musical component, as was the case today.  Specifically, I'm collaborating with a very talented composer (and close friend) to create a live orchestral piece which will introduce kids to symphonic music without A) boring their socks off, or B) being "Peter and the Wolf" for the umpteenth time. The hope is that it will be performed by multiple orchestras across the nation, and that those orchestras will pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so. No government grants here, folks!

In essence, the production will feature humorous narration interspersed with delightfully bombastic music, while funny illustrations (several of which may be about farts) are projected onto a screen to keep the young audience laughing. Today's job was figuring out where those many illustrations should go in the script, and exactly what the images will be so we can communicate instructions to our Ukrainian artist.  A business arrangement which may land us a subpoena from the ever and overzealous Robert Mueller.

Overall, a fun and productive day. Who could ask for anything more?   -Stilt

Monday, November 6, 2017

It's Good To Be King

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The so-called "JFK Files" recently released for public consumption haven't done much for conspiracy theorists who were hoping to find out how deeply Lyndon Johnson, the CIA, Woody Harrelson's father, and the Illuminati were involved in the Presidential assassination.

But the reading isn't all boring as, for some reason, the FBI reports on Martin Luther King Jr's alleged sexual escapades in considerable detail.

Mind you, the FBI was very interested in taking down King at the time, as his talent for social disruption (which was good in this case) can't be overstated. And so we can't say for certain what in the report is or isn't true. Which won't keep us from looking at the "good parts" and wiggling our eyebrows like a licentious Groucho Marx (which may be redundant).

For instance, the report claims that folksinger Joan Baez was one of King's many extra-marital conquests, and further suggests that the civil rights icon was given to orgies, and enjoyed "unnatural" and "abnormal" sex.

Describing the hijinks at a ministerial workshop, the report says"several Negro and white prostitutes were brought in from the Miami area. An all-night sex orgy was held with these prostitutes and some of the delegates in attendance." Additionally, "one room had a large table in it which was filled with whiskey. The two Negro prostitutes were paid $50 to put on a sex show for the entertainment of the guests. A variety of sex acts deviating from the normal were observed."

Obviously, we should all be offended by the outdated language in the report which is no longer socially acceptable. Oh, not the "negro" part - at least until the NAACP changes its name. No, we meant the parts which described any sexual act as unnatural or abnormal, which certainly doesn't square with current liberal attitudes about creatively and wantonly sticking things where nature didn't expect (or design) them to go.

In the age of Bill Clinton using Monica for a humidor, Harvey Weinstein giving a potted plant a pearl necklace, and Lena Dunham filling her sister's wahootie with gravel, we're experiencing a little nostalgia for times when some things were still considered perverse.

Put another way, even if the accusations against King are true (and we're not sure they are) we're betting he never did anything that you can't currently see on a popular HBO series.

Perhaps it's time our culture started showing more interest in mountain tops than mountin' anything that moves.


Friday, November 3, 2017

Donna Brazile: Hack Attack

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Those who have always felt there was something a little "off" about Hillary's rise to her party's Presidential nomination are now having all of their suspicions (and more) confirmed in a new book by the soon-to-be-late Donna Brazile, who headed the DNC in the final days leading up to the election.

In her book, "Hacks," the title of which apparently isn't meant to describe sleazy political operatives such as herself, Brazile says that Bernie Sanders never stood a chance because early in the primary campaign Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC and thereafter made all decisions to assure her eventual candidacy. She did this by providing money to the impoverished DNC (bankrupted by Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Barack Obama, according to Brazile) from her own deep campaign coffers. And all the DNC had to do in return was look the other way while populist favorite Bernie Sanders was screwed into the ground by the Clinton machine.

Of course, we'd be more impressed with Donna Brazile's sudden attack of conscience if she hadn't actively helped with the cheating by, among other things, funneling Hillary debate questions ahead of time.

The really interesting question is why Brazile is now throwing Hillary under the bus, and how she expects to get away with it without being Vince Fostered in the dark of night.

Our guess - and fervent hope - is that Brazile knows that real, indictable dirt on Hillary is about to come out, and she's written this book to try to keep from being dragged under by Clinton's Titanic-sized undertow.

Just one more rat deserting a sinking ship.

NEW YORK TERROR

We had a disconcerting revelation today while reflecting on Tuesday's horrendous terror attack in New York.

We're always told that in the face of such attacks, we need to stick to our usual routines, hold our heads up, and be unafraid.

But we're not unafraid. Mind you, we've got no particular fear of wild-eyed goat-screwing pube-faced radical Islamic terrorists. But we are afraid - for our very country and way of life - when we hear the mainstream media's reactions to a crude act of terror.

On one alleged news network, a talking head opined that the truck-driving, "Allahu Akbar" shouting killer "could have just as easily been a Catholic two weeks ago" before becoming radicalized. Another outlet immediately started worrying for the umpteenth time about a possible (yet never actually occurring) backlash against Muslim Americans. And despite the murderer's sworn allegiance to ISIS, multiple outlets were still declaring this to be a "lone wolf" attack which certainly shouldn't be connected to any particular religion or ideology.

So here's a thought: why don't most of us go on doing what we've always done without fear, while the mainstream media completely changes what they've always done in order to make future such attacks less likely.

FROM THE VAULT: BRAZILE-IAN WAX

As we mentioned, Donna Brazile is even throwing Obama to the wolves in her book. By coincidence, we were notified by Google today that an ancient post on Hope n' Change had just been flagged and was going to get us into serious trouble because it was sexually provocative.

Say what?!

We checked, and apparently Google's supercomputers decided that this image would make a lot of people feel steamy in their Weinstein regions. We disagree, but we'll let you be the judge:

Brazile-ian wax job.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Come As You Aren't Party

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And he has the cleaning bills to prove it.
What's sadder than a Jack O'Lantern once Halloween has passed? That hollow stare, the wrinkles and sags, the moldy smell, the buzzing of flies, that cackling laugh...  Hey, wait! That's not a leftover Jack O'Lantern - it's Hillary Clinton!

Yes, The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away is still popping up everywhere in the mainstream media, like an undying slasher in a bad movie franchise. While in Chicago promoting her book "Killing Vince Foster" (Oops- sorry! That's Bill O'Reilly's next book), she was asked what Halloween costume she was considering and said "I think I will maybe come as the President."

We're not sure if this means she intended to don (no pun intended) Trump regalia or one of the brightly colored, whip-accessorized Dominatrix From Hell outfits she had intended to wear in the Oval Office. Either way, it's nothing we ever want to see...and frankly, we threw up in our mouths a little just thinking about it.

At the same appearance, Hillary tried to spin a negative into a positive by taking the too-little reported stories of her involvement in Uranium One and the Russian Dossier and declaring "All the networks except Fox are reporting what's really going on...it appears that they don't know I'm not president."

That's right, Hillary. Fox is reporting on you non-stop because they think you're so important, not because there are mountains of evidence piling up that you're so freaking guilty of selling out our country and trying to subvert an election with the help of Russia AND Obama's criminalized FBI.

Still, we didn't let Mrs. Clinton sour our Halloween holiday spirit. And who knows, by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, maybe this turkey will finally be getting some real heat put on her.

AND FROM THE CRYPT...


Monday, October 30, 2017

Trick or Treason

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, halloween, 2017, trump, mueller, clinton, russia, collusion, indictment, walking dead, walking dems

What could possibly be a better time for an ultimate showdown between good and evil than Halloween? And that's exactly what's happening right now as Special Prosecutor Mueller, with calls for him to recuse himself after revelations of his colluding with Hillary, the DNC, and Russian uranium investors, has thrown a Hail Mary pass to try to save his corrupt keister.

Specifically, and by wild coincidence, the same day the calls to dump Mueller were growing loudest, members of his investigative (ha!) team illegally leaked word to CNN that at least one pumpkin-spiced criminal indictment had suddenly been issued against a member of Trump's team, with that poor scapegoat expected to be hauled off to the pokey sometime today - and no doubt perp-walked for the cameras.

It's a smart and thoroughly sleazy move. By throwing someone - anyone - to the wolves, Mueller's supporters can now claim that the calls for his recusal are simply to protect the guilty among Trump's staffers.

It's a lie and a fantasy - but with the eager support of the mainstream media, it will probably play very well with the majority of Americans who remain clueless about the "Russian Dossier" and "Uranium One" scandals.

At this point, those who get their news from mainstream media live in an entirely different world than the one inhabited by folks like us, who do the homework to get a truer idea of what's actually going on.

And this week, as witches fly and ghouls stumble from door to door, those worlds are about to collide.

FROM THE VIDEO VAULT: THE WALKING DEMS

This goes back to 2014, but it seems that most of the folks pictured here are still actively being pains in the national rear end. As SCTV's Count Floyd would say, "It's really spooky! Ah-WOOoooo!"


AND FINALLY...

Whether or not you're a regular reader of our sister webcomic, Johnny Optimism, we really encourage you to visit today for a special Halloween edition which will put a smile on your face and warm your heart. No, really!



Friday, October 27, 2017

Dossier Vidanya

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hillary, clinton, uranium, dossier, golden showers, trump, mainstream media

To the shock of pretty much no one with an IQ above that of a blobfish, we've now learned the Hillary Clinton's campaign and the DNC funded much of the (ahem) "research" that resulted in the infamous "golden showers" Trump Russian dossier - an even greater work of fiction than Hillary's "What Happened."

This is not a small thing, because the entirely bogus dossier - always and only intended to do political harm to Trump - was then passed on to John McCain, who passed it along to FBI Director (at the time) James Comey, who used it to kick off investigations of Trump's campaign for alleged collusion with Russia.

But the facts are that Hillary likely paid to get faked information from Russian sources, perhaps using some of the money (north of $100 million) that her Foundation got from other Russians who wanted to buy rights to American uranium (and were magically able to do so after Hillary approved the deal). So there's plenty of Russian collusion and interference with our election process, but involving the Clintons, the DNC, and (oh yeah!) Comey, Mueller, John Podesta, the State Department, and the FBI.

In the face of these two titanic scandals, Hillary will no doubt finally get what's coming to her - right?

Wrong. Because most Americans have no idea that these scandals even exist. Hillary's funding of the Russian Dossier is a yuuuge story (to quote President Trump), but when we checked online we couldn't find a single mention of it - or Uranium One - on the websites of CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, or CBS.

In fact, here's the only "scandal" NBC News is reporting:

Bill Clinton spent more than that on removing stains.
Sometimes conspiracy theories are based on real conspiracies - and such appears to be the case, yet again, with the Clintons, the Obama administration, and the rest of the thoroughly corrupt usual suspects.

But thanks to "The Silence of the Shams," the fake news outlets, the American people are being woefully uninformed and misinformed. 

While we don't always agree with Trump, maybe it is time for the FCC to start reviewing broadcast licenses to determine if the public interest, rather than special interests, are being served.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Mental Scrapbook

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You'll want to click on the picture to see a larger version. Or not.
A normal post just wasn't going to happen today. We were busy moving things from one place in the house to another and sorting what will stay or go (a process which will apparently continue for all eternity), and when we finally sat down to work our old coal-burning computer decided to repeatedly freeze.

By the time we got it working again, we only had a short time to come up with something - almost anything - to share today.  We'd already showed you our record collection, and doubted you wanted to look in our sock drawer.

And so you're getting a brain dump of the sort of images we have cluttering our computer desktop (which may explain why it's started choking). All of them are meaningful to us for one reason or another, which we'll now kinda sorta explain (going left to right, and top to bottom):

1) A moody picture of a tree in the night. Or is that a man carrying too heavy a load?

2) Something which really hasn't made its peace with being served in a can of gravy.

3) The spooky butler who greets our visitors at Halloween.

4) A poster for a hilariously bad movie that we've been trying to find again for years. A classic!

5) Our robotic monkey head and our feet. And like they say: "big feet...big shoes."

6) A t-shirt which absolutely captures the essence of being a writer.

7) Our father (who arts in Heaven).

8) Penny, the official dog of Hope n' Change. "I'm not ON the furniture if I'm IN the furniture!"

9) Quacky the terrifying, balloon-twisting duck-billed web-footed clown. Nightmare fodder.

10) An updated social justice version of "The Little Red Hen."

11) A scary tornado picture. We're somewhat obsessed with tornadoes and other weather porn. Living in a trailer in Indiana for a few years will do that to you.

12) A man floating between skyscrapers while holding balloons. Because we'd like to do that.

13) A picture we took at Universal Studios theme park. This is the entrance to the Barney the dinosaur attraction with Norman Bates' "Psycho" house sitting threateningly behind it. Whatever you do, kids, don't take a shower!

14) A melancholy woman with a bear. Because we all have days like that.

15) The most needed service in America.

That's it for now, but we'll try to be back on track on Friday. And if not, we'll at least try to quickly find some more interesting socks to show you!

Monday, October 23, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Vinyl Resting Place

Oh, sure - "draining the swamp" in Washington sounds like a tough job, but when it comes to a real challenge, "cleaning out crap" in the Jarlsberg home is the stuff of Herculean legend.

As part of the remodeling project, we're trying to get rid of things which have been hiding in closets for decades. Among these items: our last stash of actual vinyl LPs. A couple of days ago, we took a motherlode of standard fare (Beatles, Eagles, Slim Whitman) to Half Price Books and received an insulting pittance for them. Painful, but necessary.

But we've hung onto a few albums which are so weird and so rare that we don't know if they're wildly valuable or entirely unwanted. We'll let eBay, and perhaps a therapist, help us sort that out.

But just for fun, here's a selection of what we've been harboring for years. And we're not kidding here - these are all real albums, we really own them, and these are the pictures we took minutes ago.



This album reminds women that there's no real reason to stay in shape except to look hot for their sedentary husbands. And for those too young to know, there was a time when a young male could do a LOT worse than watching Debbie Drake exercise on TV. Eat your heart out, Jane Fonda!


Nothing says all-American music like the London-based "Big Ben Banjo Band" playing traditional favorites like "Japanese Sandman." We're having strum fun now!


Who doesn't love a family sing-along? Or, if not in a musical mood, just having everyone join in on angry political ranting with a southern drawl? This album is so rare that we've so far been unable to even find a picture of it on the Internet. Originally published on the "Yikes!" label.


Buying this album probably put us on a government watch list 40 years ago. And frankly, the reason we've kept it this long isn't so much our love of the symphonic stylings of "Mohammed El-Bakkar and his Oriental Ensemble," but rather our fascination with this oddly shaped dancer's mismatched boobs.


Ladies, why settle for demeaning jobs like teacher, nurse, or librarian when with a little effort you can enter the high-paying, glamorous world of stenography! Imagine the satisfaction you'll feel scribbling down the barely coherent thoughts of a man who can't even type, takes three-martini lunches, and still makes ten times your salary!


While a lot of these albums seem funny now, we can surely all agree that the work of the "Society for Indecency to Naked Animals" is as important now as it ever was. And yes, the album really discusses why animal nudity is a problem, and what sort of clothing is needed to rectify this disgusting situation. Remember, horses don't need jockeys - they need jockey shorts.



A classic - and still in it's cellophane wrapper! This album captures two of the greatest performances by the legendary mime. Each side is 25 minutes of silence, followed by riotous applause. But how do we know this if the album is still in the sealed shrink-wrap? Because it's not our only copy. That's how much we love this album.


Remember when televisions were black and white, had tiny screens, weighed as much as an anvil, burned coal for fuel, and "Sea Hunt" with Lloyd Bridges was a big hit? You don't? Man, we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


We actually attended Indiana University, the home of the Kinsey Institute, where they compiled all the historic sexual research about what goes where, how often, and what your toes do at the moment when you're really, really happy. We were not, however, personally included in the research because it turns out that none of the records we owned were really useful for seduction.


Still, we owned this album "just in case."


Discover your inner thespian! This interactive album comes with a script that you read aloud, trading lines with famed actor Don Ameche. Talk about a great way to rev up a party!  And in case you're saying "big deal, EVERYONE has this album" we'd like to point out that ours has Don Ameche's autograph on it! 


Why take precious months out of your life to teach your bird to talk when you can simply give him a Costco-sized box of crackers and leave this album playing all day on your stereo? Sadly, the phrases taught are more along the lines of "Hello" and "Pretty boy" than "Help, police!" and "You'll never take me alive, copper!"


And doesn't this seem timely right now? Seriously, if this album had been recorded by Harvey Weinstein instead of Jerry Bloom, we could now sell it for so much money we'd never have to work again! And yes, we're guessing this woman had what it took to be a movie star.

We hope you've enjoyed this sonic stroll down memory lane (or is that "memory lame?"), and if you desperately want to buy any or all of these albums just let us know. Because once we've cleared these out, we can start working on the really weird stuff.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Fix-it Friday

We're a little distracted today owing to it being "fix a few mistakes" day by our remodeling crew. This is a day which happens about three times a week and frequently replaces old mistakes with new mistakes. We're hoping, but not necessarily expecting, that this seemingly unending cycle will taper off before we succumb to cirrhosis.

But rather than leave you mirthless on a Friday, here's a fresh new Earwigs cartoon!


And just for fun, here's a little something we posted on Facebook to indicate our eye-rolling exhaustion with hashtag social justice campaigns...

Because no victim should be forgotten.
In a conversationally rambling mood (hey, YOU try to write while a floor-buffing machine is whirling away outside your door), we're looking at the news and just shaking our heads. We're somewhat glad to see people taking notice of the Clintons' scandalous pay-for-play involvement in selling American uranium to Russia, but feel like we're in a time warp. After all, in this very blog we were talking about the issue 6 months ago. Hopefully it will finally get some traction, but we're not about to bet the farm.

We just heard that George W. Bush made a speech overseas which is being construed as a not-too-subtle attack on Donald Trump, implying that the current President is encouraging bigotry and white supremacy. We've always liked Bush (while frequently disagreeing with him), but just have to issue a "please STFU" on this one. Where was this kind of criticism during Obama's horrific race-dividing administration? And where is this wave of alleged white supremacy that we keep hearing about? What cities have been burned? What statues vandalized? What speakers threatened or attacked?

And as long as we're grumbling, what else are we honked off about today? Oh yeah - geriatric communist Jane Fonda was recently being interviewed and was asked if she was proud of America. Jane nearly spit out her dentures in her enthusiastic haste to shout, "No!"

She then quickly followed up that she is proud of "the resistance movement" in America. As is, presumably, the horse she rode in on.

And finally, we're posting this picture just because it's wonderful and vaguely inspirational...

Despite his deformity, he remained plucky.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Toe The Lyin'

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Hillary Clinton recently had to cancel a series of interviews after tragically breaking a big toe, which forced her Secret Service detail to immediately call for a big toe truck. Thank you, you've been a beautiful audience, and don't forget to tip your waiters.

No, no - she claims that she was walking backwards down a flight of stairs while wearing high heels and carrying a cup of coffee, which we find entirely believable except for the part where she leaves out being roaring drunk and kicking a staff member.

Or maybe she broke her toe while trying to pull her foot out of her mouth after promising to return Harvey Weinstein's financial contributions, then saying "but there's no one to return them to," then saying "but I'll definitely give the money to charity," after which she declared that Weinstein gave the money to the Clinton Foundation which already is a charity, so she'll keep his filthy, bodily-fluid stained cash after all.

However her alleged injury happened, we'll just note that the woman seems to fall and hurt herself a lot for someone who's not in a 12-step program.

RETROSPECT: BOWE BERGDAHL

Military traitor (and Obama-administration hero) Bowe Bergdahl has quietly taken a guilty plea for desertion, claiming that he couldn't get a fair trial in Trump's America.

In all the coverage (ie, not much) we're hearing about Bergdahl, people seem to be missing the critical context of what was happening at the time of the infamous Gitmo prisoner swap: Obama was being roasted for the criminal (and often fatal) mistreatment of veterans by the VA, and Bergdahl's "rescue" was Barry's way of trying to get off the hook by showing he'd "leave no man behind."

To that end, we're revisiting what we wrote about the Bergdahl incident at the time...


June 2, 2014 - Another Big Effing Deal

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(Excerpt) the POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, may actually have been a military deserter at the time he was captured (or conscripted) by the enemy - and at the very least was a man who held a singularly low opinion of the United States even before his alleged capture.  According to Bergdahl, our nation is "the most conceited country in the world" and "I am ashamed to be an American. And the title of US soldier is just the lie of fools. I am sorry for everything. The horror that is America is disgusting.”

Sentiments which, of course, match those of his commander in chief - the Great Liberator of Guantanamo Bay.

June 4, 2014 - Let's Fake A Deal

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Bowe Bergdahl's father offers Islamic victory prayer in Rose Garden

 (Excerpt) Susan "I'll Say Anything" Rice made the rounds of news shows claiming that Sgt. Bergdahl served "with honor and distinction," which doesn't seem to quite square with the impression given by every other soldier who served with him. Then again, perhaps Ms. Rice has simply been misinformed by a Youtube video.

Meanwhile, James Clapper, then director of National Intelligence, said in 2012 that the "Gitmo Five" were unquestionably too dangerous to release...

June 6, 2014 - Suit First, Ask Questions Later

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(Excerpt) The White House is now asserting that anyone who voluntarily puts on the uniform of the United States has accomplished all that is necessary to be given the "served with honor and distinction" label to wear a lifetime, no matter what circumstances occur later.

And Hope n' Change can't help but wonder: will Nidal Hassan continue to rot in jail here in the United States, or will his service with "honor and distinction" allow him to be bundled with the Blind Sheikh, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, and other jihadists for Barry's next prisoner swap?

DOCTORING (June 6, 2014)

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So why did the White House have to act super-duper fast to secure the Bergdahl-Terrorists swap without meeting the legal 30-day requirement to inform Congress? Supposedly, it was because they compared two videos (allegedly Charlie the Unicorn, and This Too Shall Pass) and came to the stunning conclusion that Bergdahl's health was in rapid decline and immediate action was called for.

Oddly, they came to this conclusion in December, 2013 - but didn't do anything about it until, by wild coincidence, the VA scandal broke wide open and B. Hussein desperately needed to make a highly-visible gesture of caring about members of the military.

Granted, it seems that it's the Taliban's military that got the best of the deal - but at least Barry cares. And gosh, Bergdahl was really, really, really sick and close to dying. Unless he was erroneously diagnosed (from watching a video, no less) by the same nitwits who declared that the Lockerbie bomber, who killed 259 people on Pan Am Flight 203, was only days away from dying and deserved to be released from prison on humanitarian grounds (which Barry agreed to).

Like the "Gitmo 5," he returned to his homeland and a hero's welcome...and then lived another 3 years, much to the horror of the hundreds of families decimated by his act of terror.

But all of this may be overthinking the issue. B. Hussein doesn't actually care about Bergdahl, Bergdahl's health, or the health of any member of our armed forces. He does care about his poll numbers and his popularity in the Muslim world - and he thought this obscene prisoner swap would help him in both areas.

He couldn't possibly be more wrong.

Monday, October 16, 2017

REALLY Taking The Day Off

Yes, I would buy this in a heartbeat.
Okay, we tried to cop out of making a real post on Friday but it didn't stick. This time, we really ARE giving ourselves a short restorative break.

Not that it's exactly relaxing. As we reach the end of the physical remodeling of the house (praise Cthulhu!) we have to start taking things out of 100+ boxes to put back...after first deciding whether these myriad things will stay or go.

Which means we're spending days tossing out old VHS tapes, vinyl albums (including the rare "Best of Marcel Marceau"), ill-considered DVD purchases, books we meant to read but didn't, clothes we hoped to "slim down into" but really didn't, family photos so old that NO ONE living knows who these people are anymore, tools and materials for "someday" projects which we now believe unlikely to happen, and memorabilia of times and places which, in Life's not always kind hindsight, seem better forgotten.

It's tiring and emotional work, especially for a certifiable pack rat, and doesn't leave many brain cells for political analysis or levity. Not that we had a superabundance of brain cells to start with.

So we're "draining the swamp" - our own personal swamp - today and for days ahead. But hopefully we'll be back with a regular post on Wednesday. See you then!

BUT JUST TO FILL SPACE...

Alleged actress Rose McGowan has been among the loudest voices accusing Harvey Weinstein of being a sexual predator who didn't treat her as a "nice girl."

Just for the record, here's how Rose dresses for important, high-profile Hollywood events, to make sure everyone present notices her...mind.

We still think Weinstein needs the book thrown at him, but more importantly the whole Hollywood T&A culture - in which many men and women know exactly what they're really buying and selling - needs to change.

"A Rose by any other name wouldst still be a ho."

Friday, October 13, 2017

Fried Day the 13th


Per the title of today's post, we're feeling absolutely fried today (and not "over easy" in any sense) and are giving ourselves a restorative break from the news, remodeling woes, and reality in general.

That being said, we DO have a quick cartoon that popped out reflexively after a good friend (and talented, nationally syndicated cartoonist!) sent an email worrying about the potential for trouble when male and female "boy" scouts start camping out together...

NOW IT'S GETTING IN TENTS

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We're not actually sure how bad an idea this new policy will be, but we don't much like the idea of tampering with institutions which have worked so very well for such a long time.

Although to be fair, maybe it's time girls got a chance to learn the skills that boys learn from scouting, rather than just being forced to sell cookies door-to-door.

BONUS: SWEET CHARITY

Despite our promise above to take the day off, we've now had a restorative adult beverage or three and decided to add another cartoon...


After taking most of a week before denouncing the Clintonian predations of slimeball Harvey Weinstein, Hillary has finally issued a gently scolding tweet and promised to "give back" Weinstein's campaign donations by "donating them to charity."

Which raises a number of questions. Which charities will she donate to in order to advance the cause of women? Planned Parenthood would no doubt be high on that list, since they offer valuable abortion services to women (some under the age of consent) who've been impregnated by swine like Weinstein.

Or maybe the money will go to - surprise! - the Clinton Foundation, to help fund Chelsea's wardrobe and plastic surgeries as she fights the worldwide scourge of third world diarrhea (and no, we're not making that up).

But the big question is: will she then deduct any such "donations" from her own taxes? That would basically allow her to keep 30% (or more) of Weinstein's money by taking advantage of taxpayers (many of them female) against their will.

Irony, thy name is Hillary.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

State of Insanity

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Say what you will about California, but it's unquestionably our nation's greatest, most fertile, and consistently reliable source of really bad ideas.

As a case in point, Governor Jerry Brown has just signed a law which eliminates felony charges for those who do not tell their sexual partners about having the HIV virus before unprotected sex, and also allows those carrying the virus to donate blood without making staffers aware that they've just collected the equivalent of Typhoid Mary in a bag.

In California (and isn't it funny that, following those two words, we could basically write anything and it would be believable?) it will now be only a misdemeanor for those with HIV to lie about their status and have unprotected sex, even if it's their actual intent to deliberately spread AIDS.

But surely no one would do that, right? Wrong. Not only is it done, but it's so common that there's actually a name for the practice of deliberately infecting others: "stealthing." And in California, this despicable and potentially deadly act will now be on a legal par with littering.

And as far as tainting the public blood supply with HIV, all we can guess is that Californians will applaud the new diversity in blood products which previously were unlikely to kill you.

Theoretically, this is supposed to be a great blow against homophobia (no pun intended, but geez - it was unavoidable). But to our way of thinking this insanity is nothing less than granting rights (and sanctuary status) to a deadly virus while denying rights to potential human victims.

In other words, business as usual for California.

AND JUST FOR FUN...

Hillary finally weighs in on her big donor...