Friday, June 30, 2017

Open Sesame

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In an effort to increase their journalistic credibility, CNN recently invited Sesame Street's "Elmo" (which we have absolutely no reason to believe is an Americanization of Al Mohammed) to a panel discussion about President Trump's temporary travel ban and it's possible effect on young Syrian refugees. No, really.

To Elmo's credit, he had just returned from an overseas visit to Syrian refugee camps, where he (and others) commendably helped entertain and build morale for kids in genuinely nightmarish situations. Situations which can be blamed to a significant degree on the ham-handed, destabilizing foreign policies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Is there a human tragedy occurring? Absolutely. Is the answer to accept a flood of refugees from countries with high incidences of terror without being able to sort the victims from the villains? No. Which is why President Trump simply wants some time to work out those sorting methods.

But none of that was explained during Elmo's (ahem) "news" segment. Rather it was all sob stories about how those kids in the camps are "just like us and want to learn and play" and "everybody is the same deep down."

Only they're not. Several days ago, there were fresh videos of an 8-year-old ISIS executioner blowing the brains out of a kneeling prisoner. For those with strong stomachs, other videos are out there for the watching, including a toddler who needed a little help to slice a man's throat.

Reports of the young killers routinely describe them as "brainwashed" into their deeds. Fair enough. But are we so sure that there's not similar - and similarly dangerous - brainwashing going on right here? When children hear politicians describing the President's party as thoroughly evil bastards intent on murdering millions of men, women, and children? When popular entertainers routinely call for the death of their political enemies? And when Sesame Street puppets appeal directly to children to criticize policies enacted to fortify homeland security?!

Trump is not anti-immigrant, nor anti-Muslim, and certainly not anti-kids. He'd just like to create a way for them to find safety without decreasing the safety of children who are already here.  And if that sounds like a bad idea, maybe you've already been brainwashed.


The Left loves to describe common sense points like those cited above as proof of xenophobia and "hatred of those who don't look like we do." Which is complete BS. Not to mention that our own neighborhood, which we love, has such a varied mix of races, nationalities, and languages that the only way someone would not "look like we do" is if he/she/it is sprouting three feathery heads, using tentacles to rip out mailboxes in order to get to the delicious junk mail inside, and leaving a slime trail that smells like an Obama campaign promise.

Americans don't hate immigrants...they just happen to love the rule of law which separates those here legally from those who are breaking the law with their presence (and too frequently with their demands on our taxpayer-funded systems).

All of which was a way too-lengthy preamble to sharing a very special painting with you. A celebration of immigrant life and vitality in America:

This wonderfully kinetic work (which hangs in my home) was painted by my mother, and I couldn't think of any better way to sum up today's commentary than by sharing it with you. Not just as a work of art, but as a reminder from a wise and loving woman of the magic of coming together as a community.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I sure miss you.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Be Vewwy Vewwy Quiet

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We assume that, as always, folks on the Left aren't receiving anything remotely like the actual news - mostly because we're not hearing their tortured moans and groans on social media.

Which is sort of disappointing; imagine how it would feel for them to know that Trump's "pause" in immigration from countries with out-of-control terror wasn't just okayed (for now) by the Supreme Court, but that it was done unanimously. So much for the circuit courts!

And how delicious is it that Loretta Lynch and John Podesta are both being hauled in front of Congress to be questioned about their mischief and misdeeds before and after the Presidential election? If what James Comey has said is true (always the flip of a coin) about her obstruction of justice, Lynch could be looking at 5 to 10 years in the slammer.

And then there's Project Veritas, revealing undercover video of a CNN producer admitting that the whole Trump/Russia story is (ahem) "bullshit" and being advanced solely in pursuit of ratings. The collateral harm to the country is, for them, just a bonus.

There's a reason that there is an almost unprecedented divide between those on the Left and Right these days: we're not hearing the same news and not getting the same facts. Even as we speak, those on the Left are really only hearing two things: that Republicans are suddenly hell-bent on killing millions of people via healthcare reform, and that Trump partnered with Putin to steal the election from Saint Hillary.

It's little wonder that they're angry, and frankly tragic that their anger isn't more appropriately directed at those who labor so consistently to keep the liberal Left in ignorance.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Dropping Death Charges

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The good news on Friday was that House Majority Whip Steve Scalise was moved out of intensive care following his attempted assassination by a rabid Democrat who had been whipped into a frenzy by hateful hyperbolic anti-Republican rhetoric.

The bad news is that on the very same day, Hillary Clinton sent sociopaths a fresh call to arms by tweeting "Forget death panels. If Republicans pass this (healthcare) bill, they're the death party."

At least when Trump tweets, there's sort of an endearing lunacy at work. But with Hillary, it's nothing but pure spite and malice intended to mislead, divide, distort, and inspire hate - and possibly political hate crimes.

We'd say more, but don't want to waste our breath over the pronouncements of an embittered, washed up political failure. Especially not when we can waste our breath over the pronouncements of someone who's at least still in the game...

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Kellyanne Conway did no one any favors when, speaking on a Sunday (fake) news show, she said "It's the Obama administration that was responsible for doing absolutely nothing from August to January with the knowledge that Russia was hacking into our election. They did absolutely nothing. They're responsible for this."

But responsible for this what? This Presidency? This specious yet undying news story? We don't know and, frankly my dear Scarlett, we don't give a damn.

More than anything else, the whole Russian brouhaha strikes us as the semantic equivalent of a natural disaster, because words are being used interchangeably and incorrectly to obscure the truth rather than reveal it. Is "intelligence gathering" the same as "meddling?" Are both the same as "hacking?" And are all these terms synonyms for "collusion?" You'd certainly think so according to the random word choices of the media.

Is a "phishing" email to a Democrat official, or the leaking of embarrassing internal emails, the same as "hacking" an entire election? Neither the media, nor apparently the Trump administration, now see any difference.

Which is why we're largely giving up on the slapdash word-of-the-day practitioners of "journalism" in general and this idiotic story in particular.

Friday, June 23, 2017

And On The Lighter Side...

The most important and incomprehensible story in today's news is the release of the Republicans' plans to kinda sorta replace Obamacare with something which seems just about as complicated and convoluted, but will save billions in tax dollars for the evil rich by declaring "mass graves for the poor" to be a legitimate medical option.

At least, that's how the ever-rabid mainstream media is reporting it. Seriously, the Holocaust got more favorable press coverage. We're guessing the actual plan is significantly less draconian than it's being portrayed and, at least possibly, better than the current system which is crumbling before our eyes (as it was meant to do by the Democrats).

With nothing else to say on the topic just yet, we've decided to look at "the lighter side" of the news - by which we mean the stories which we'd like to take a lighter to, if not an actual flamethrower. Starting with...

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Contrary to a number of bone-headed tweets, Donald Trump has now admitted that he has no secret tapes of his conversations with fired FBI Director James Comey.  Despite this, we don't believe Trump was lying. We believe, as we always have, that the guy is at least sporadically nuts.

We also wonder, under the GOP health care plan, what a double thumbectomy would cost - because we know a certain Twitter addict who could really, really use one.

And speaking of Oval Office residents, we found this story interesting...

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LA would be renaming a 3 mile stretch of Rodeo Road, which makes us hope passionately that the rodeo clown who infamously wore an Obama mask while dodging bulls will do the ribbon-cutting.

By the way, let us be quick to distance ourselves from the racially insensitive joke told above by our ersatz Nick and Nora Charles. We can only guess that they were under the evil influence of coffee at the time...

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According to a scientific study which was, in a glaring bit of oversight, not funded by our tax dollars, researchers determined that psychopaths are more likely to prefer their coffee black.

Which is really only logical; if you dawdle around in Starbucks waiting endlessly for your barista to make a Veni-Vini-Vici-sized half-foam hazelnut creme arabica cappuccino with sprinkles and a dusting ("Only a dusting!") of nutmeg, it gives the cops way too much time to catch up with you.

Which isn't why we prefer our coffee black. We just like something that matches our mood in the morning.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Deep Sea Jiving

As you've already surmised, we're taking a "Bah, humbug!" approach to the day's news. Seriously, the guy in the diving helmet might have the right idea when it comes to blocking out the media crapfest.

And because we have so little to say, we're going to fill some additional space with yet another cartoon drawn by our Dad some decades ago.

Oddly, we like making our brand new "Earwigs" cartoons look old and yellowed, but the original cartoons by our father really are old and yellowed - so we put considerable effort into making them look new again.

It seems enough like a circular system designed by government bureaucrats that we're amazed we're not receiving an NEA grant.


And in this case, we're referring to our 4th glass of scotch, which is prompting us to write a little something political today even though we said we wouldn't.

Specifically, we're talking about the tragic case of Otto Warmbier and the costly but valuable lesson that his miserable death might teach the radical "antifa" Leftists and other noisemakers.

Warmbier made the fatal mistake of believing that North Korea was, at some level, like the United States - and a little innocent mischief didn't present much personal risk. He was dead wrong.

Meanwhile, the Leftist loons on college campuses (happily smashing windows and setting things on fire) seem to believe that under Donald Trump, the United States is the true totalitarian regime, stripping people of their rights and freedoms (concepts that aren't even dreamed of in North Korea) and threatening their very existence.

These pampered, self-absorbed dilettantes would do well to spend a little time thinking about their plush and privileged lives in comparison to the hell on Earth that Warmbier surely experienced for the slightest of political infractions.

This is called "perspective," and unless the young Leftists develop some, Warmbier's horrifying death will have been in vain.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Father's Day 2017

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Sure, it's not exactly topical - but we couldn't let Father's Day go by without poking a little fun at the wild and woolly Clinton family, and restate our suspicion that (unlike certain blue dresses we could name) Chelsea has no trace of Bill's DNA.

And speaking of the Clintons, what ever happened to the investigations that were supposed to be happening to look into the ugly relationship between "contributions" to the demonstrably bogus Clinton Foundation and "favors" granted to high-rollers by Hillary's State Department? As long as we've got Special Counsels galloping around Washington with their hair on fire, why not put one on her tail?

But we digress. We're writing this on Father's Day, so are unsurprisingly thinking fondly of our Dad who doodled lots of cartoons like this one:

...and who wrote stories for innocent, trusting children like this one:

He's been gone for 11 years, but his influence remains strong. Not just on our somewhat unusual sense of humor, but also in our day-to-day pursuit of morality, responsibility, and decency.

You are much missed, Pa. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

Needle in a Hate Stack

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A massacre was barely averted Wednesday (although at the time of this writing, multiple victims are still fighting for their lives) when a "lone wolf" terrorist opened fire on Republicans - because they were Republicans - who were practicing on a baseball field for an upcoming charity game.

The hate-filled gunman, killed by police, is thought to have been "self-radicalized" by violence-promoting materials easily found on the Internet and posted by the incendiary imams of Left-think, a group which sadly includes many liberal politicians, most mainstream "news" outlets, and virtually all social media platforms.

The shooter hadn't bothered to hide his political anger from others because he didn't have to. So pervasive is anti-Trump (and Republican and conservative) rhetoric and calls for violence on social media that his many posts and re-posts on the subject didn't strike anyone as out of the ordinary. He was just a needle in a hate stack.

Let that appalling thought sink in for a moment.

We wish we were over-generalizing, but we don't think we are. As a case in point, we want to share a sad exchange which we were party to on Facebook about 3 weeks ago. A lifelong friend (of more than 60 years) who, like the shooter, is an avid Bernie Sanders supporter, posted an article headlined: "House Republicans Admit Fearing For Their Lives From Growing Civil Unrest." The sub-heading was "You reap what you sow, and Republicans sure have sowed quite a bit of anger."

Our liberal friend added "When their actions threaten the very lives of the constituents they are supposed to be serving, what do they expect? They have gone crazy ramming devastating legislation through. They deserve to be fearful." Ouch.

Far from receiving any social disapproval, these comments were reinforced by her online community. Our friend's adult daughter posted "I find myself actively wishing harm on these people at every turn. I want karmic justice. I want these fucking monsters to suffer."  Her adult son posted "This is their karma," and a sister derided the Republicans as "Snowflakes" for being concerned about the pitchfork-and-torch crowd.

And suddenly, we found ourselves in the position of those "good Muslims" we keep hearing about. Should we report this group enthusiasm for violence to someone? To who? To what end? And is that really the kind of America we want to live in? Or should we simply reach out to the perpetrators and try to change their minds?

Actually, we'd already tried doing that but couldn't get any traction...and we eventually got tired of being called a hater. Instead, we stopped "following" this person (and others) on social media, solidifying the walls which increasingly divide our nation, while reluctantly accepting the idea that some of those endorsing violence on the Left may be, to borrow Hillary Clinton's unsubtle terminology, both deplorable and irredeemable.

We hope that isn't the case with our friend, whom we know to be a decent and good-hearted person. And to be fair, her family has very real problems with health and financial issues, and legitimate (if too often misguided) reasons to be unhappy with the bureaucratic mess in Washington. Neither she nor her family members are bad people - far from it - but a tidal wave of false and angry narratives are leading them, and too many others, in bad directions.

We can and should continue calling for greater civility in public and personal discourse as well as greater journalistic responsibility in the media (as we've done in this space for almost a decade), but we don't think either is likely to happen at this point.

Because "America's favorite pastime" is now an entirely different ballgame...and we're afraid that the gunman in Alexandria just threw out the first pitch.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Snakes Smear in the Park

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We're not sure if this is "Hamlet" or "As You Like It."
New York's well-funded (including with tax money) "Shakespeare in the Park" company recently staged a modern day retelling of Julius Caesar in which the title character is depicted as President Trump - causing liberal glee when he's graphically and bloodily assassinated onstage by knife-wielding maniacs of the type that recently staged a similar production on London Bridge.

What a great family outing, huh? And how better to introduce kids to Shakespeare than by making it "fun" with the repeated stabbing of an American President?!

Critics on the Left (are there any other kind?) say that conservatives and fly-over peasants are being too sensitive about this brilliant restaging and maybe they're right. Which is why, in the interest of "Making Theater Great Again," we'd like to suggest some other adaptations which might please those same critics and stimulate sophisticated cocktail conversations after an outdoor evening with the Bard.

We've already handled "Hamlet" in the cartoon above, though we're a little worried that such a production might prompt n-word spouting "comic" Bill Maher to refer to it as "Spear Shaker in the Park." Does the man's racism know no bounds?!

Still, it's hard to envision the theater company going wrong with portraying Lady Macbeth as a wildly demented and blood-stained Hillary Clinton. And imagine how delightful "Romeo & Juliet" would be starring lookalikes for Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the title roles? Talk about your (Ken) Starr-crossed lovers! And seriously, the multiple death scenes at the play's end (oops, spoiler alert) would bring cheering audiences to their feet!

To show that we're good sports, we'll let the "Shakespeare in the Park" folks use any or all of these ideas to help them show their devotion to diversity of opinion in the arts, and to inject a little blood into their centuries-old productions which isn't that of a sitting President.


Leave it to our patriotic new President to have his birthday on Flag Day! Be sure to fly yours today - make it a twofer!

Monday, June 12, 2017

Mundane Morning Quarterback

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We hope you enjoy the cartoon above, because there was no way we were wading into the morass (not that we're against morass) of the latest news cycle.

Anti-Sharia Law protesters were attacked by Antifa counter-protesters, while LGBT groups took to the streets in support of Islam. We'll note that LGBT folks also take to the streets in Islamic countries, only they start from rooftops.

We learned that Comey may or may not really have secret memos, Trump may or may not really have secret tapes, Mueller may or may not be preparing to charge the President with obstructing the investigation of crimes which didn't happen, and all the while tweets keep flying out of the Oval Office in the wee hours (or, to men of a certain age, the wee-wee hours) to remind everyone that The Donald has political Tourette's syndrome.

So instead of dwelling on the depressing stuff above, we're going to share some actual, thoroughly investigated good news to get your Monday morning (and conceivably many other mornings) off to a good start: "Zing Zang" Bloody Mary mix is great.

We discovered this on Saturday morning while attending a dog's birthday party. Bloody Marys were served, though not all of the people (and none of the dogs) in attendance availed themselves of such, apparently under the mistaken belief that when it's 8 a.m. in Texas, it really isn't "5 o'clock somewhere."  We begged to differ, and further pointed out that on the very spot we were standing, it had turned 5 o'clock three hours ago.

You may question our logic, but it's demonstrably sounder than anything else in the news.

Breakfast of Champions

Friday, June 9, 2017

Comey's Testy Moaning

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Despite stratospheric levels of hype, yesterday's laughably named "intelligence hearing" testimony by disgraced former FBI Director James Comey wasn't so much "shock and awe" as "Rorschach" and "Aw, shut the Hell up."

We cite Rorschach because, as is the case with other meaningless ink blots, everyone interpreted Comey's remarks however they wanted: the Right sees Trump as completely exonerated, and the Left believes they heard so much dirt that they can't decide whether to take the time to impeach the President or simply march on the White House with pitchforks and torches and burn the building down while he's still inside.

The reality, as nearly as we can tell, is that Trump didn't do anything legally wrong when talking to Comey about Mike Flynn and the Russian investigation. But in true snowflake-style, Comey is now interpreting his own bizarre feelings and fantasies related to that conversation as proof of wrongdoing.

Comey, who is dishonest and Machiavellian but no fool, is fully aware that Trump did nothing to obstruct justice - but he was spinning like a Dervish trying to imply otherwise. Which makes it fortunate that he no longer runs the Federal Bureau of Implication.

Comey did occasionally share interesting truths, including his concern that former DOJ head Loretta Lynch had been compromised during her meeting with Bill Clinton on an airport tarmac. He additionally confirmed that Lynch asked him (which in Comey's mind is apparently a direct order) to refer to Hillary's criminal investigation as a "matter" - which Comey subsequently did, even though he freely admits that it was a lie designed only to help Hillary's image during election season.

All in all, his testimony showed only that Trump can be ham-handedly (but legally) direct when expressing his thoughts...and that Comey (among others associated with Obama and Clinton) has genuinely made a practice of obstructing justice by attempting to interpret the hints, nuances, and implied desires of his political masters.

Because a nod is as good as a wink when justice isn't intended to be blind.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Blank Reality Check

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With the announcement that 25-year old "Reality Winner" (no, really) had been arrested for stealing and leaking top secret documents, it became clear to us that a near and dear friend who was very ill for a very long time had finally been pushed over the brink: we regret to say that Satire is dead.

Because seriously, when a story gets this "in your face" ridiculous - what details are left for us to push to humorous extremes?!

Start with her name: "Reality Winner." Then let's tick off the other boxes: lesbian bodybuilder, ardent Bernie Sanders supporter, a "Black Lives Matter" enthusiast who (though white herself) argues that "Being white is terrorism." A woman whose social media posts include referring to the President of the United States as a "piece of shit" and the "Tangerine in chief," who additionally declares that in a war between the US and Iran, she'll side with Iran.

And still...STILL...she was given a top secret security clearance and access to classified materials. Which raises two very troubling questions: just what in blazing Hell does someone have to do to not get a security clearance, and how many other angry, ignorant, communist-leaning, anti-American social justice warriors are currently embedded in (and sabotaging) our intelligence agencies?!

We're guessing the number to be terrifyingly high, but can't know for sure because trying to find out would require functional intelligence agencies. And that ship, like Satire, has sailed.

Monday, June 5, 2017

London Undone

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In the face of Saturday's appalling terror attack in London, we don't really want to waste many more words on Kathy Griffin. At some point, one is simply beating a dead whore (to coin a phrase). But in the former comedienne's news conference, she claimed that it was only because of a conspiracy by "old white men" that her ISIS-style beheading photo wasn't considered funny.

Days later, radical Islamic extremists were slitting throats with 12-inch blades - and there can't be any stronger reminder that the proper reaction of all people with even rudimentary decency is to be shocked and angered by this evil, lunatic carnage.

Friday, June 2, 2017

The Perish Accord

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He's been down there since last November.
Donald Trump stood in the Rose Garden yesterday and smugly announced his unwavering support for the end of the world. Smog-choked cities, melting ice caps, dead oceans, contaminated water supplies, and the extinction of all living things on Earth which aren't billionaires.

Or at least that's the hysterical narrative we're going to be hearing endlessly from the Left, who will surely be trotting out a doomsaying Bill Nye and hoping that we don't remember the vapid entertainer's recently televised "sex junk" debacle.

Trump's actual declaration was almost anticlimactic: we're pulling out of the existing Paris Climate Accord because the terms were unfairly stacked against America and Americans, but we're wide open to renegotiating more favorable terms or a new deal while continuing our commitment to a clean, sustainable environment. Moreover, Trump will honor the withdrawal terms negotiated by Obama, meaning it will take up to 4 years to actually leave the accord...and the final decision will be made by voters in the next Presidential election. Hardly the stuff of dictatorial apocalypse.

Not that Trump's announcement came as a big surprise. In what's become a very noticeable trend in the mainstream media, "news" reports now consist largely of predictions about what might happen according to ethereal spirit voices who can not be named...

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Seriously, the news headlines we've been reading lately say "Trump is expected to withdraw from Paris Accord" and "Investigations into Russian collusion are expected to heat up," and "Comey is expected to testify that Trump pointed a gun at him and demanded (in perfect Russian) that he halt the Flynn investigation and hand over his wallet."  And all this while largely ignoring actual news which they didn't expect, like yet another month of skyrocketing job growth for everyone except red-headed comediennes.

It's not bad enough that we already had fake news, non-news, and spin-cycle news...seemingly we now have to put up with news which hasn't even happened yet but might according to Ouija boards, chicken entrails, and wizened gypsy tea leaf readers.

If the Left and the media (one and the same thing) are really concerned with helping the environment, we suggest that they cut down on the emissions from their smoke and mirrors.